I’ve had it rough

March 3, 2009

Every two weeks I get sent into the hospital. The first time was for observation due to neuropathy,= tingling in fingers and mine happens to be on my bottom lip.  Okay I agreed to an overnighter, because I had just been radiated that day anyway and better not to have  had contact with my young child.

But the days grew on and no medical plan in place, giving me sleepless nights and grump frustrated attitude.

The second time I really felt hoodwinked. 


The out paitent nurse said if I just went  to the hospital side I could get a blood transfusion, and because it was getting late in the day it would spare a nurse from hanging out until it was done. 

what they did not tell me is the infuse would last until deep in the night. I was crushed.  I just wanted to get to my beach hut in zeeland. The whole week was my little lovebug home for spring break and I was ruining it by going into the hospital.

Here comes the hoodwinked part. I see that my transfusion is over and as soon as they remove the needle from my body, I’m out of there baby.

Fout-wrong-try again. More lung photos, I just had taken 2 weeks before, but this time some one got the bright idea to look at my liver.

So first off the the ultrasound techies. I did not mind the smeary gel, I knew I could shower later, I had time.

But I know something is the matter because the clicks were starting to come more fast in furious under my left ribcage.  That sweet circular thing that use to peek into see my baby was now being forced hard against me like a karate weapon (with out any padding).  I breathed in hard and held my breath as long as I could, but I know in my heart of hearts my cancer has jumped to my organs. More specifically what doctors refer to as hot spots on my liver and maybe even my lungs. I won’t know for another two weeks.

I begged and begged for chemo and I have had only one treatment in an 8 week period, what did the doc’s think?

the caner was not going to go wild with out any form of suppression?

Needless to say I”ve had it rough.


out from under the fog

February 2, 2009

I was really in pain yesterday evening, as a result I had to take some heavy drugs that leaves you lifeless for a day. I slept all morning in deep into the afternoon. I had only one task today and that was to set up a party for my LoveofMyLife. His birthday is this coming week and I have not arranged anything with 16+  guest coming for a wine and cheese party the following Sunday.

But what concerns me most is that the pain that is making me take heavy drugs is not subsiding. I might be waving the guests on from the bedside. And I am truly okay with this idea. I have ruined enough birthday parties due to Hospital time, I don’t want this one to end up the same. I have one more big radiation tomorrow and that should be it for a while. I hope that the pain does begin to subside. Otherwise I will never get out of this vicious cycle of doping myself in order to sleep and wasting my whole day until the fog lifts.


just home from the hosptial

January 30, 2009

Just wanted to keep family and friends up to date that I was in the hosptial for some new scans and “observation”.

I opened my big mouth about numbness in my lips and sent off the alarm bells! Neuropathy! Big word that means your nervous system can not stop the tingling or comand that part of your body.

For now I am under heavy drugs and happy pills and will get more news next week on when my radiation will occur.

I will keep everyone up to date as soon as I know more.


Not feeling tired, cherishing the moment

January 25, 2009

It is almost 2 am and I am still hearing the neighbor upstairs milling around. He is awake for the same reason I am. There is someone playing Romeo outside our windows.  Every once in a while I heard a car horn going off. At first I thought it was an alarm, but I realize it was not fast or even in a set pattern.  No, it was a young couple apparently having a lovers spat and the car owner trying to persuade the local resident to come have a chat in the car.

The night moved on to light discussions out of the window, and a small pleading session to the young attractive girl.

We all just watched and wondered where the time has gone when you got cajoled to come have a talk at 2 am.

As my little miracle reminded me today that I was old. I just had to laugh. I was over the 40.  That was something.

Today my Mother is officially 80, to me that is old and I hope to have a long way to go.  As a terminal cancer patient I’d be joyous if I lived that long, but instead I cherish every moment I have even if I have been woken from my sleep to watch  a modern day Romeo and Juliet, or hear that I am over the hill.. Just honored.


pictures are promised

January 21, 2009

pict0001The new addition to the family is Wyatt Jonathan  weighing in at 6 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches long. I guess I need to update the header which was Carla and Jon’s wedding to add their new addition to our lives.  Best wishes to the happy parents, I am still waiting for more photos.


survivorship concerns

January 21, 2009

I have to decided to take control of small details. I need to find an au-pair that will work for a single parent for the first time. I usually don’t take much notice of this category, but now I am going to limit my au-pair search to exclusively those individuals that will work for a single parent. Why?

Because I am truly worried I won’t be above ground by next year when their contract will run out.

I am also seriously looking at placing my sweet girl in boarding school. Even after my mother said I was forcing her to become an Orphan.  I tried to reassure her that boarding schools of the past have changed immensely and are not alone for the rich but  offer  a solid education that will give her a better chance at a good university later. 

What am I so worried about?  In Dutchland, they have standard tests that if you don’t pass you end up being the street cleaner because you are tracked at the age of 10.  Sorry late bloomers there is no room in the educational system in Holland. Point out.  So I am looking day and night at prospectives that will give allowances to children with “Death” issues.  Even compensation is given for enrollment if they are from a single parent family.

This thought of boarding school happened when I saw how transforming one of our cousins got an opportunity to study in England for a year. His English became polished and confident.  I saw him really come into his own in just a short period. I then looked up his school and realized it was built to house children who lost a parent in World War One and takes in these sort of applicants as a priority and an endowment to boot. ( Free ride baby)

I am just want my child to have a small classroom environment with optimal attention to college prep. But I might not want to wait until she is 14 to place her in a high school setting when it is too late to undo the damage of  Dutch schools, (ie no homework, group projects with no responsibility for any part so if your baby is the smart cookie they do the work for the other 3 in the group, pure abuse for the smarter kids.) I am not exaggerating because I have been through the system myself to get a teaching certificate. I know first hand and don’t wish this  for my child or any smart child.

More searching…


is 6am a good morning?

January 20, 2009

It is a trick question.  I have been up all night with incredible amounts of pain.  First 1:36 2:15 2:47 3:02 3:56 4:10 then 5:55 so I waited until it turned 6am and decided to start my day so that I could justify taking another set of pain killers. 

I always have a hard time breaking bad news to my Mother, but I had to call and let her know I need another round of radiation shortly.  I finally got a call from the hospital explaining I needed to be at the consultation at 1pm and the Sim would be done at 3 pm.  We discussed how radiation has take my pain away in the past, and we should look forward to the same results. I agreed trying to keep my chin up on this end of the phone. But honestly I am in spasms and screaming like I am giving birth to twins simultaneously.  We ended on a gentle note about the new baby that is due to arrive in our family the day after the inauguration of Barack Obama via c-section.

Good morning Vietnam-Robin Williams