I beat cancer

That was the comment I got from my limo driver in America. Everyone asks me about my neck brace hoping to hear a happy ending. I said I have got cancer and it is inoperable in my neck bones therefore I wear a exoskeleton brace. He jumps right in and says he was a chain smoker who quit and 2 year later they found Cancer in his voice box and has been a survivor for 5 years.

I wonder if I am jealous. Not only of him but of others who have beat this dreaded disease. Am I so self centered that I wish for it to just go away some days? Or have the glory to say, yes I beat it!

Instead I get to watch every 3 months on a scan that cancer is slowly but surely eating away at me. One nibble at a time. I am grateful that the cancer is progressing slowly and I have much capability considering I have stage 4 cancer and there is no stage 5, unless you call death stage 5.

Or am I jealous because I would love to be the person that goes on those survivor walks, and raise money for the cause and to think about it as a bad dream in the distant past and to help others to get through this breast cancer. I want to say I am free of it! My reality slaps me in the face and i say that day will never come. “Don’t look back you can never look back” Don Henley- summer of 69